Sex Toys – How to Introduce!

Posted on November 27, 2017 in Uncategorized

Introducing sex toys into a relationship can take both pleasure and intimacy to the next level and then some. In addition, the element of “fun” is brought into the picture, and being in a fun, playful relationship is something few couples truly achieve due to poor communication. With a sex toy, you can easily build a bridge toward fun sexual intimacy. Here are three important ways to bring sex toys into a relationship.

1. Start slow! Remember you’re building a bridge and before you can put up the foundation you need to prep the work area. Introducing any outside element into sexual relations can be challenging. The easiest prep tool to use in order to ease into sex toys, are lotions or oils. What you are doing here is simply introducing a third element into your intimate relations, and you’re starting with something simple. Once erotic oils and lotions are used, you’ve opened the door for other intimacy tools to be added in the future.

2. The foundation! You’re foundation will set the stage for further sex toy adventures, so it’s important to choose the right foundation. What you’re looking to do here is to introduce an actual sex toy into the relationship. But it has to be a sex toy which is simple, gentle, and easy. In other words your foundation sex toy shouldn’t be some elaborate contraption. You’ll easily scare off your partner. Your foundation should be basic and something easy which you can further build upon in the near future. Various ticklers and the like would be an example of a simple foundations to begin building your sex toy adventures around.

3. Avoid the Crutch! You want to avoid becoming sex toy addicted and every intimate encounter having to rely on a sex toy. That is, don’t turn a sex toy into a crutch. Use it only to enhance the relationship, not serve as the centerpiece where every intimate encounter is going to require a sex toy in order for pleasure to be achieved.

Sex toys, or intimacy tools, can be used as an automatic bridge to bring one another closer while achieving intimacy on a level never previously experienced.

How Sex Conflicts Can Affect the Mental Illness

Posted on November 24, 2017 in Uncategorized

The whole subject of sex has too long been shrouded in mystery and fear-fear nourished by ignorance and misunderstanding. Other fears of mankind have been dispelled by understanding. We have learned that many diseases are caused by bacteria and viruses and not evil spirits. Consequently we no longer feel an irrational terror of disease but try to control it by isolation, inoculation, and chemotherapy. If sexual matters were similarly understood and openly considered by all, the sexual fears and conflicts so prevalent in our civilization would disappear.

Perhaps the greatest obstacle to universally healthy sexual attitudes is the fact that although many parents realize the value of sex education they feel inadequate and ill prepared to offer guidance to their children. They are still addicted with inhibitions, embarrassment, and a feeling that sex is unclean. As a result the child gathers independently a distorted, unhealthy collection of misinformation and misinterpretations.

Logically there is no reason why the psycho-sexual development of the individual should be regarded in a different light from other bodily functions. At each stage of development certain manifestations appear for which the child should be prepared. He is more harmed by anxiety and fear of things he doesn’t understand in regard to sex than by possible premature indulgence.

The injudicious handling of sex curiosity in young children may have lasting effects. Many of the barriers that prevent a normal, healthy response in adolescents toward members of the opposite sex have their origin in such early encounters. A deep-seated fear of sex may lead to repressions that make the young girl or boy shrink within a shell of reserve that they cannot explain Years of maladjustment and unhappiness may result from a few moments of mismanagement.

The most effective safeguard against the development of sex conflict ill adolescence is a campaign of sound sex education for both parents and children, the guiding principle for parents should be honesty and an air of casual frankness. It is not necessary to attempt a full discussion of biology in one sitting, for such earnestness and overemphasis is as extreme as complete refusal to discuss the topic.

In answer to the child’s questions about other things it is not customary to sit down and give him a full lecture on each subject. A simple, honest answer to his question is all that is needed, and although the original question may be followed by others for elaboration, the subject is soon dropped and the youthful mind follows its natural course to other things. The child’s interest may appear first in questions about his own origin and if the answers are supplied without emotional display or concern the child accepts them matter-of-factually. These suggestions may seem obvious to us but it is amazing how many of the children who come under observation at the clinic are totally ignorant of the scientific fundamentals of sex.

Individual Problems Complicated
Various types of emotional reactions, only a few of which have been discussed, are usually operative in producing the symptoms exhibited by a given individual.

This is well illustrated by the following case report:
The patient was a young man in college, who came to the psychiatrist with the following complaints. For four years he has tried in vain “to get control of himself” and has become thoroughly discouraged and about “at the end of his rope.” He has had mastoid, sinus, and tonsil infections which he thinks have affected his mind. For the last three years he has been intensely unhappy and has made no friends, because “people despise him.” He says that he is a physical coward and is “mentally tortured by bad habits.” Ideas run through his head so that he cannot sleep. At times he has felt that people were reading his thoughts and watching him on the street; and occasionally he believes he is going insane and has resolved to commit suicide.

This young man’s childhood was unhappy, owing both to unfortunate neighborhood conditions and to the incompatibility of his parents. During most of their married life his parents were kept together more by financial and religious considerations than by any regard for each other. Finally, the father decided that the only way out of the difficulty was to break up the home.

Unable to talk it over reasonably with the patient’s mother, and in order to avoid a painful scene, he sent the family to another city, where he had arranged a home for them. He also provided that the mother receive a certain sum of money each month for the support of herself and the two boys. At this point the father dropped out of the picture, as he went to another state to reestablish himself in business.

The boy’s early social contacts were unfortunate. He had several prolonged illnesses, which affected him physically to such an extent that for a time he was unable to compete with other boys in physical things. Moving into a new community made this doubly hard. He was bullied unmercifully by other boys. Finally, he came under the domination of a boy who was living in the same apartment house, a boy somewhat older, rather stupid, but well developed physically.

The latter assumed a sort of protective attitude toward the patient. It was from this boy that the patient had his first sex instruction. He was taught to masturbate and at the same time told that it would hurt him physically. He confessed his first experience to his mother, who was horrified and shocked. She told him that this was only a confirmation of her belief that he took after his father in his Weaknesses. She told him that his father had always been sensual and impressed the boy with her disgust for masturbation and with her conviction that it was a great sin.

He made a resolution to stop, broke the resolution, made another, and with each attempt became more and more convinced that he was unable to combat this evil. He felt that he must conquer it in order to prove to himself and his mother that he was not a weak character, sinful by nature, etc. It became to him a sort of symbol of his whole struggle against the idea of evil. If he could conquer this thing, it would mean that he could conquer the weakness he had inherited from his father, he would regain the respect and affection of his mother and be able to compete with his younger brother for her regard.

His idea about masturbation added to his difficulties with other boys. He felt that not only was he physically handicapped by the illnesses which he had had and his subsequent awkwardness but also that he was not equal morally to the other boys in his group. He heard from some of them that one could always tell a masturbator by the pimples on his face and the inability to look a man in the eye. He became even more self-conscious and developed a fear that his habit would be discovered. As a result, he avoided meeting other boys and stayed at home a great deal, neglecting physical exercise and recreation.

About this time there were in the neighborhood several bullies. They were quick to recognize the patient’s attitude, and on one or two occasions waylaid him on the way from school, challenging him to fight. He was frightened and ran. On the only occasion when he did put up a light because he could not get away, he was severely beaten up by the two boys. This convinced him that he was a physical coward and added to his already growing disgust with himself.

In his university courses, this boy had shown an uncanny ability to pick out bits of information which tended to confirm certain things which worried him. He learned something of the biological theory of heredity and was strengthened in the belief that he had inherited his father’s weakness of character. He learned something of scientific determinism, interpreting it to mean that man is in no way a free agent, and that it is impossible to develop one’s will power if one does not already have it.

He heard of the evils of the so-called “inferiority complex” and having found a word under which he could sum up his problems, he was more than ever impressed by the magnitude of them Although he made good grades, success in this was of little value to him, in fact, to act as a compensation for the other failures. He therefore lost interest and began to neglect his studies. Above all things he needed that recognition, friendship, social contact, which his own feelings prevented him from getting.

It was found at the outset that any simple explanation and advice would not be’ of any value to the patient. He had ahead had such explanations from various competent faculty advisers. What was required was a thorough emotional reeducation. It is obvious from the account of the patient’s life that his problems were deep-seated and involved such fundamental relations as that of the patient toward his family, toward religion, and toward the problem of sex. The patient was unusually intelligent and cooperative throughout the procedure. He was seen at least three or four times every week; and although there have been times when he showed great depression; on the whole his progress has been marked.

At present this boy is handling the family situation well. He is no longer irritable, quarrelsome, and reclusive at home. He has been able to make several valuable acquaintances on the campus. He is now quite able to apply himself consistently to his work, and his grades have improved. He has chosen a profession and, even though he is not yet ready to enter his professional training, he is exceedingly interested in it and had done a great deal of outside reading on related subjects. He has solved the sex problem satisfactorily and is not masturbating or doing any unusual amount of fantasizing about sex, things. He no longer believes himself a coward.

The Logical Result
With such histories it is impossible to escape the conclusion that the resultant mental condition is the logical and inevitable outgrowth of learned methods of behavior, that these methods with variations probably would have been adopted by almost anyone subject to similar situations, and that the final symptoms which appear to be so abnormal are essentially the reactions found in every normal person under certain circumstances.

These things hold true not only for the simple types of cases described above but for most of the other mental illnesses. Thus the patient with dementia praecox lives in a dream so deep that it shuts him off from all contact with reality. He derives his satisfaction from imaginary companions, activities, and achievements. This is precisely the same method used by child and adult when they daydream gratification they have been unable to derive from reality.

The dementia praecox patient behaves like a child in getting pleasure from the infantile activities which the adult has so outgrown that they seem senseless and disgusting. This finds an exact parallel in the normal adult who, when meeting an obstacle which he is unable to overcome, exhibits childish temper or drops the work to indulge in play.


The Joy And Horror Of Sex – Deep Secrets Of Sexuality

Posted on November 22, 2017 in Uncategorized

Nagging deep within us is an incessant craving to find completion by becoming one flesh with another human. Sexual intimacy is a significant part of this, but there is more. We would sell ourselves short – frighteningly so – if we did not realize that the cry from our innermost being extends far beyond craving orgasms. And yet our world is so disturbingly superficial that millions slip into the quicksand of supposing they can reduce the height of human intimacy almost to an animal act without damaging their very humanity. Once we fall for this mentality, the more desperately we struggle to satisfy ourselves, the quicker we sink.

So astonishingly powerful is sex that it is divinely designed to superglue you to one person for the rest of your life. God entrusted this treasure to you to empower you to maintain exclusive intimacy with the one person you are selflessly committed to for life. To use sex for any other purpose is to take the road to ever-increasing frustration and gnawing emptiness. Whether it be in thought or action, to fritter away your sexuality on someone you are not committed to for life is to become like someone who enjoys burning hundred dollar notes and can’t figure why he is continually impoverished.

It is common for us to dangerously misinterpret our own cravings. Sexually, we tend to be like children who suppose all they need is an endless supply of candy, when the real nourishment their bodies are crying out for is much more complex. Anyone is sentencing himself to long-term problems who thinks he can satisfy his bodily needs with candy alone. Slowly he would begin experiencing numerous unpleasant and ultimately life-threatening illnesses, few of which would feel as if they are related to his food intake. Likewise, we have a whole range of complex needs that we tend to naively suppose can be met by raw sex alone. And the consequences of this mistake can be catastrophic.

Before focusing on our God-given desires for human closeness, let’s lift our eyes for a moment. Many of our needs that feel like a craving for human companionship are actually yearnings that can only be satisfied by intimacy with God. This surprising, vitally important, rarely understood subject is explored in a link at the end of this page. The height of intimacy between two humans, as deep and fulfilling as it is, is superficial, relative to our desperate need to become one spirit with the most astounding Person in the universe.

Even within the human realm, however, we frequently get things horribly confused. Many of us rob ourselves by trying to reduce to shallow sensations our yearning for an experience so profound that it is truly best thought of as becoming one flesh with another human being. To be one flesh means that if your head feels fine but another part of your body hurts, your head reels in pain and does everything it can to comfort the hurting part. It means that if your head is neutral but another part of your body feels pleasure, your head is neither jealous nor disinterested, but it delights in that pleasure. Selfishness is incompatible with oneness. To be one flesh is to experience a union in which one’s greatest joy is found in the happiness of the other. You have fulfilled your craving to be one flesh with a person to the extent that you would as soon consider breaking the union (divorce) as you would consider ripping off your own head.

Using sex for something less than no-holds-barred selfless permanence might seem to offer the mirage of satisfaction but in reality it is a tragic loss. You can try to cheat yourself out of the fulfillment you were born for, through selfish or superficial sex. To do so, however, is to keep tormenting the craving within you, teasing it to infuriating levels.

Of course, many people, through no fault of their own, miss out on sexual fulfillment. Whether these people are to be pitied, depends on the spiritual dimension to their lives. Pitying anyone without considering this dimension could be like pitying soaring eagles because they cannot run as fast as ostriches. There is incomprehensibly more to everlasting life than we can currently see. Feeling sorry for someone who is celibate or has a poor sexual partner, could therefore be like feeling sorry for the athlete pounding the track or a student toiling at his books. They are currently missing out on fun that others enjoy but their present hardship could end up achieving for them glory that others can only envy.

Singles can stir up their frustration, letting it rage to soul-destroying levels. They can turn to porn or fantasy or solo sex or one-night stands or other shadows that offer a high as pathetic as a drug. Soon the craving for a fix returns with even greater fury. Or singles can turn their back on that futility and use a different tack. They can stop inflaming the desire; allowing it to gradually subside, and so find both a measure of contentment and divine approval. It is the promiscuous, not these, who are to be pitied.

Whenever we enter into sexual intercourse with selfish motives, we are even more alone than we were before. The loneliness increases our appetite for the union, which is usually translated into a need for more sexual intercourse. Lust is a self-perpetuating cycle that becomes more intense as it continues. (Source)

That quote is from a man I deeply admire for his ability to receive from God profound, Bible-based truth. The instant I read his words, I recognized them as finding staggering and unexpected confirmation from a secular source. In their book, Lonely all the time: Recognizing, Understanding and Overcoming Sex Addiction, (New York, 1989, page 23) psychologists Dr. R. Earle and Dr G. Crow write, “Believe it or not, the driving force behind most sex addicts’ compulsion is a desperate need for love.”

We cannot rid ourselves of aloneness and isolation by cheapening ourselves. Reducing sex to a biological act reduces us. Our one hope is a permanent union in which our highest happiness is found in the pleasure of the other partner. When sex is perverted from the expression of a sacred, lifelong fusion of a man and woman into a temporary, self-centered convenience, our clawing for fulfillment will die in bitter frustration. Ultimately, degrading oneself this way will merely aggravate one’s craving for the oneness that can only be achieved in a unique, exclusive and loving union.

In God’s eyes, sex is the sealing of a lifelong contract. You are bound, not by the giving of your word, but by the giving of your very body. The consequences of casual sex cannot be undone. To suppose that it is harmless is like sexually violating someone and then thinking if you say you didn’t mean it, it will cease to be a crime.

Infinitely better than the world’s best parent, Father God has our best interests at heart. When it comes to relationships, we too often respond to his loving guidance like spoiled brats asked to eat their vegetables. We are sure we know better than our Maker about what will ultimately fulfill us. Like a lazy tennis player constantly blaming his racket instead of his lack of practice, we blame our partner rather than our failure to keep practicing selfless love until we finally master the art.

We haven’t begun to live until discovering that it is more blessed to give than to receive; more blessed to serve than to be served; more blessed to love than be loved; more blessed to lay down our lives as an offering, to turn the other cheek, to love our enemies.

We were made to be lovers. Lovers are givers not takers. Takers eventually end up supposing they need to change partners. They are parasites who take all they can and then have to move to another victim. They are worse than a zero. They are an empty space sucking the life out of everything around them. The sole value that takers have is that they still have the potential to be transformed into givers, if they let God have his beautiful way in their lives.

Givers are people of honor. They are godlike, because God alone keeps giving and giving, and never runs dry. Most of us shrink from giving because we are acutely conscious that unlike God, we are not a bottomless source. The only value that takers have is that they can let God change into givers.

Takers are stagnant water. Sentenced to getting only what is natural, they can only grasp after things that are limited and dying. In glorious contrast, givers are living rivers. Their source is supernatural. Flowing through them is that which is boundless and eternal. Givers find astounding fulfillment because the more they muster the courage to give, the more God keeps pumping new life and love and joy into them. Givers are people of faith. They know that under God they can give away what they desperately need because their God delights in continually giving them even more than they had before. They can thrive in the midst of rejection and persecution because their Source is divine. Like Jesus expressing his love on the cross, givers endure tough times because they know that through their union with the divine they are destined for greatness and eternal fulfillment.